Ready. Denial. Set. Doubt. Publish. Imposter Syndrome.
The idea was clear. The plan was done. The content is ready. If you missed it, then read about it and about why you might benefit from my podcast.
And now? What's left is to launch and be out there. - insert dramatic sound here-.
But i only wanted one thing: to hide.
Phase one: In my head.
The birth of the podcast happened in a little corner in my house. I didn't talk about it much to anyone. It was my little secret adventure that got me all excited inside. It felt great. It was like an alternate reality i was living in my head and that was nice, safe and exciting. I felt the same kind of excitement and adrenaline as you feel when you keep a big exciting secret for someone: you know. the others don't. And the best part of it is that you can think of it whatever you want, noone is judging you. You can build unrealistic expectations and you won't risk failing. Hell, you can even change your mind and no one will know. The possibilities are endless and there is no risk of failure. And newsflash, i am quite risk averse. So that felt fantastic. That lasted about a month. The whole of January 2022 to be exact.
And then i published the trailer.
The little secret world i was living in became real.
And yet, my first reaction was to tell myself "no one will know". Unless i share the link, i post something or talk about it, no one will know. I could still continue to hide. Or i could change my mind, bail out and kill it still.
Phase two: Stepping in my comfort zone.
Once the trailer was published end of Jan, i also felt proud to have done it. I spoke to a handful of people and asked their opinion. Of course i chose people who love me and would never be mean to me. But they would be somewhat encouraging and honest. Based on their feedback, i gathered about an ounce of courage and decided to go ahead. To go for it.
I started reaching out to guests. Guests that inspire me and that i share some kind of connection with whether because we had conversations on the topic in the past or whom i met in the past month through my personal journey of figuring my life out. It seemed fitting and they were the right people for me, they had the right stories and i would feel comfortable talking to them. To this day and forever, i will be grateful to them for accepting my request.
Once the episodes recorded, i learned how to edit myself. I created the social media content and published. The pride i felt was immense. I did this. i created that show. I had these conversations. I made the recording edits. But i wasn't actively asking my guests to share it and spread the word. I still wanted to hide.
I started sharing my podcast with random people i had never met before or people i didn't know. It felt safer somehow. Despite how proud i was, i was dealing the biggest enemy i have: imposter syndrome. Luckily i was part of a group of people who support each other in their new endeavours and i decided to break my silence and share it with them at first. Not my family. Not my friends. Not my colleagues. It was still a secret project.
That's when i understood what was going on: I didn't have faith in me enough to own this. I didn't think i was good or smart enough.
Raise your hand if you are but too familiar with that feeling.
Phase three: Resistance is futile.
A month in, it was time to build up some courage and dare to be out there. Also, my guests were very happy with the conversations and wanted to share it to the whole world. It started to make me feel like maybe, there is a chance that this podcast is not totally useless after all. Maybe it's even good... probably not, but maybe?
As the news started to make its way on social, it was time for me to proudly own this endeavour with everyone. I slowly did that ...very slowly. And when people i know would mention it, i would shrink like a mouse if i could and hide in a corner. And if i had nowhere to go, then i would downplay the whole thing and brush it off as if it was nothing, a fun hobby thing that holds no meaning.
Especially at work. I was afraid that people would judge me, my abilities to interview, how smart my brain is, how good of a communicator i am. That my every word, question or comment in the podcast would be scrutinised and that the opinions i share so publicly would allow people to perceive me in an unfavourable way or judge me and there would be nothing i can do to change that or argue for myself. Judgement. My worst fear.
But the truth is that the judgement you fear is the judgement you place on yourself. These thoughts are my thoughts. These doubts are my doubts. These judgements are my own thoughts. And by thinking them i give them a place. And if they have a place, they become truths.
How i should approach this is clear but it's easier said then done. So i needed a strategy for when i start thinking them. So i tried a few:
Encouraging myself in the mirror? Not my style.
Laughing at these thoughts when they came? That's just weird.
Stopping these thoughts? Not that easy.
But trying to understand why i have these thoughts, dissecting them to analyse them as if they were not my own and then finding solves for each one to disappear? Yes. That works! As i said to you before, I am action driven after all. I will write how i do that in another post. Stay tuned as i am still working on the whole thing ...it is all a process after all.
Phase four: i'll tell you when i get there! - wink-